🎰 Kohl’s Casino: Where I Gamble With Coupons (And Lose My Identity)

Paul Vato at Louie’s Tap House in Roscoe, IL—rocking a full Kohl’s fit (neck-to-toe deals, baby—including those mythical $4 shorts), topped off with a Parce Rum trucker hat and a final-table grin. He placed 8th out of 99 poker players in the Smoke’n Aces Poker Bar League July Main Event. Dressed like a bargain-hunting stepdad, played like a king. 

Adventures in Batavia, South Elgin, Machesney Park & Roscoe, Illinois.

By Paul Vato

When I first touched down in Chicago and made my way to the western suburbs, I looked like a Hollywood hitman—or better yet, a cartel sicario straight out of Central Casting—dressed head-to-toe in black, fresh off the plane from my West Coast Hollywood home.

Now? I look like Naperville’s Next Top Superdad!

Cargo shorts. Hawaiian-style button downs. Boat shoes with Ortholight™ eco insoles—whatever the heck that is.

Specifically, they’re the Sonoma Goods For Life® Darcey Men’s Boat Shoesin a rich cognac color, size 12, for anyone out there who’s feeling generous or just thinks I need more shoes. I mean, who doesn’t want to support a budding Big & Tall silver fox runway comeback?

All I know is, these Kohl’s shoes are ridiculously comfortable—like slipping your feet into a tub of butter and strolling across a bed of clouds.

I’m not sure if I’m heading to a Jimmy Buffett cover band concert, or about to grill brats for the neighborhood dads’ fantasy league draft. (Pronounced braaats, it’s the Chicaaago way!)

How did this transformation happen?

One word: Kohl’s.

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🎶 Kohl’s Has a Soundtrack, and It Slaps

First of all, can we talk about the soundtrack? The second I walked in, I was greeted by the sweet melancholy of The Cure, followed by a defiant Tina Turner power ballad, and then a little Phil Collins drum-fill action.

It’s like shopping inside a John Hughes montage—except instead of Molly Ringwald’s prom dress, I’m buying, cargo shorts, flannel shirts and super-soft tees.

Am I dancing around the store aisles socially and awkwardly unaware? You betcha!

Seriously, how am I supposed to resist emotional spending when I’m slow-dancing with myself down the Big & Tall aisle to Billy Idol’s “Dancing with Myself” blaring over the loudspeaker—fully aware that Everybody Wants to Rule the World?

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🚽 Bathroom? Better Pack a Snack.

Need to use the bathroom? Good luck, soldier.

Like a casino, Kohl’s hides the restrooms all the way in the back—beyond the juniors section, past seasonal décor, and just before the gates of Mordor.

But they’re strategically placed right by the Amazon Return Center, so if you’re already walking your bladder to the edge of endurance, you might as well drop off that broken ring light and accidentally buy three clearance throws and a Keurig. Well played, Kohl’s, VERY well played!

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🧥 My $4 Shopping Victory (and $444 Defeat)

Let’s talk deals. I recently bought three items—two checkered flannel shirts and a long-sleeve top:

• One shirt was a size too big

• The second one was a duplicate of a shirt I already own

• The third one? Meh. I didn’t love it—and clearly, no one else did either. It was just hanging there, abandoned on the sad little 70% off rack every Kohl’s is legally required to have. Come home with papa, lonely shirt, come home with papa.

The discounts were so good, my logical brain was no longer invited to the conversation.

Here’s the math:

• Original Prices: Somewhere around $90

• 70% Off = down to ~$27

• Extra 40% Coupon = about $16.20

• Some Kohl’s Mystery Discount = FINAL PRICE: $4.00

• Kohl’s Cash Applied = $0 out of pocket & 86 more Kohl’s Cash to burn through by the CLOSE OF BUSINESS TONIGHT!

Four. Dollars. For three shirts!

I felt like I robbed the place—politely, of course—and then I thanked the cashiers, who are becoming like family. Some even recognize me from my Kohl’s shopping sprees (sadly not from film, television or stage).

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🧾 How They Get You (And How I Got Myself)

See, the real hustle isn’t in the discounts—it’s in the expiration window.

That glorious stackable 40% off coupon? Expires TODAY, or sometimes within 48 HOURS!

This creates a very specific kind of FOMO-fueled chaos that leads you to say:

“Well, I have to buy something. I’d be losing money otherwise.”

And just like that, you’re in deep. I now have $444 in Kohl’s credit card debt, courtesy of a Capital One deal where opening the card gave me—wait for it—40% off!

Now I just need to book some work to pay for all the clothes I bought for a life I don’t even live.

Chicago Fire, Chicago PD, Chicago Med, The Chi, The Bear, Dark Matter?

I’m ready!

Whether you need a lovable side character with strong opinions about bratwurst, a stylishly confused stepdad, or a retired sicario-turned-men’s-flannel model—I’ve got the look, the range, and the receipts (literally, they’re all from Kohl’s).

Let’s make wardrobe proud!

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🧍 Big & Tall? More Like “Me-Sized”

Credit where credit’s due: the Big & Tall section is excellent.

Let me highlight a personal favorite:

The Big & Tall Sonoma Goods For Life® Long Sleeve Flannel Shirt.

It carries a 4.5 out of 5-star rating from over 1,700 reviews & it comes in a glorious range of sizes: M TALL, L TALL, XL TALL, XXL TALL, 2XB, 3XL TALL, 3XB, 4XL TALL, 4XB, 5XB & 6XB.

(Sorry, short and small kings—no ladies’ sizes here!)

Sure, I now have to double my energy consumption to wear this super-comfortable flannel shirt indoors during Chicago’s famously humid and unrelenting summers, but man… it’s worth it.

I can’t wait for winter, which I may be spending in Chicago—or if I’m back in Vegas, at least I’ve got a flannel shirt that doubles as a personal winter coat.

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👕 The Essential Tee: Men’s Sonoma Goods For Life® Supersoft Crewneck

Every superhero has a uniform.

Mine is the Sonoma Supersoft Crewneck Tee. It’s buttery soft. It hugs all the right places and lets the wrong ones breathe. I have nine of them now, and I’m dangerously close to developing a loyalty tattoo.

By the way, Sonoma is one of Kohl’s flagship private label brands, and it seriously delivers. But they’re also constantly adding more brands to their coupon-eligible list.

Paul’s pro tip: Download the Kohl’s app, scan any item in-store, and it’ll tell you if it’s eligible or ineligible (booooooooo) for coupons. That’s how you keep your coupon-stacking game tight.

Also: the staff is super helpful, especially when you’re wandering around with an armful of clothing, looking confused, whispering, “Is this Tek Gear or Apt. 9?”

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🕺 From Runway Model to Stepdad Chic

Now, here’s a little-known fact: I used to be a runway model.

Yes, ME!

Back in my high school years, I was on the Teen Board for P.A. Bergner & Co., an upscale Midwestern department store founded in Peoria, Il. in 1889.

That’s right, your boy used to work the runway before it was cool—serving face, rocking collar-popped paisley polo shirts, espadrilles and those skinny leather ties straight out of Miami Vice!

So naturally, after my recent Kohl’s haul, I’m thinking it’s time to return to my modeling roots. Maybe dye my hair gray and rebrand as America’s Next Top Big & Tall Silver Fox Model from the Fox Valley?

I mean, the look’s already there and the confidence is back!

Let’s just hope my gout doesn’t kick up, because I am this close to hitting the runway again.

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🏁 Final Thought: Kohl’s Is Where Style Meets Stockholm Syndrome

I walked into Kohl’s for an Amazon return and left with a new wardrobe, a new identity, and a new line of credit.

And despite the debt, the duplicate shirts, and the shorts that make me look like an off-duty cop from Chicago P.D. who got distracted by the 70% off sign, I have zero regrets.

Because in that fluorescent-lit, 80s-soundtracked, coupon-stacking temple of dadwear—I found peace.

And cargo shorts. 🩳